I know...

hi blog.. its just me.. and me again.. sometimes i wonder how circle of life relate us to things that we want to forget the most. all that suffer that we've been through.. all those words that we dont want to hear again... now i m in the state of confusion and sadness.. i can feel that he get annoyed by me.. all this time.. but seems i have to understand that i m not that important anymore.. for me, if i love someone.. i will never said things that will hurt him.. but.. i've been hurt by words and action lately.. i cried again.. and i m getting tired.. should i just walk away.. just like before? should i live my life just like i used to be before? should i just be alone? should i just left? dear heart.. please tell me what u feel.. dear myself.. please just love yourself more and hold on to him.. dear love.. please stop pushing me away..and please stop hurting me.. i know.. this life is not just about me.. i know.. whenever the love stop, i cant keep nagging bout it.. i know.. all those memory, i cant forget it.. i know.. when i get hurt again this time, i'll just leave.. i know.. coz.. i know myself better..

2014...

i hope.. he will never left.. i hope.. all the sadness will left.. truly.. i cant think anymore.. i m tired..

I Hearts You..

Assalammualaikum dear blog.. today i m alone in the office.. I feel calm and relax.. thanks Love for a few changes.. i know both of us are trying.. i've seen so many things through my eyes.. i've feel and experience things with my heart all this time.. and.. everytime i feel happy, it will not last longer.. everytime i feel hope, there will be things that will stop me.. i m trying to be happy.. all these time.. i want to be happy.. kadang-kadang, walau perasaan terluka, tetap senyuman di ukir.. i dont want people to give me sympathy.. i dont want people to look down on me.. i just want.. people to accept me.. and.. i want him to love me because of myself.. dulu, if i felt down.. he will always be there for me.. comforting me.. now.. he is there for me.. i dunno if he can feel my sadness mcm dulu or inda.. yes.. its true.. people change as time passed by.. but i dont want him to change.. i want him macam dulu.. i miss all the time when we feel complete for each other.. when i cant think of other things.. when he always come whenever he miss me.. i miss all those time.. anyway.. these following weeks, i m gonna be very busy.. hopefully can update lagi.. till then.. cya again blog :)

i'm exhausted..

Assalammualaikum.. dear blog.. i feel a little depressed lately.. i feel so tired.. rasanya.. sudah cukup selama ani apa yang ku alami.. and i have let go everything to be with him.. not because he ask me..but because i knew that i want to be with him.. and i know and believe that i can be happy with him.. apapun yang dulu ku alami, ku cuba sudah jadikan semua atu sejarah dalam hidupku.. and kalau boleh nda ku mau lagi mengingati dan merasakan sakit yang sama.. semua atu cuba ku lupakan.. i can be hurt by my past.. but.. i m not expecting things to happen lagi when i'm with him.. i dunno dari mana lagi ku kan cari kekuatan ani.. i dunno how to believe anymore.. its not the first time i feel cemani.. but everytime i feel cheated behind me, i can feel it.. am i not enough? is my love not enough? i dont deserve to be loved? or.. maybe my time to be loved already passed? just like the time we spend together, and i can feel it.. everytime we hangout together, he dun want to hold my hand again..just like we used to.. or.. is he ashamed to be with me? or.. maybe he was afraid to be seen with me? am i not that important anymore? or.. is there anyone more special in his life now? i dunno.. i m not saying things without thinking.. whatever i feel.. i know there must be something going on.. i cry again last night... i knew.. things are still unsettle between him and the other girl.. or maybe.. he still cant forgive me? sometimes, he gives me cold treatment.. i know i m not perfect.. or maybe i m not the one for him.. but.. all these while, i just hold on to things he said before.. that he will love me forever.. that nobody loves him like i do.. that he cant lived without me.. and he wont marry again if not with me... i remember everything.. dari dulu sampai ani.. i just dunno if he already forget things he said before.. i m tired.. and i feel sick.. will this things continue? is it true that happiness is really not for me? i can be hurt.. but i m not expecting this from him.. i never want him to leave me ever..

back to basic..

As'salam.. today i am a bit tired.. plus not feeling well yet.. admitted to day ward last Tuesday. anyway, its nearly 2 years since i m back to single again.. Alhamdulillah.. thanks to love one yang masih ada di sisi until now.. walaupun banyak air mata, segalanya ku jalani dengan adanya "dia" di sisi ku.. kesakitan yang selama ani ku rasakan atu kadang-kadang menjadikan aku menyisihkan diriku dari orang lain termasuk dirinya.. bukan kerana ku nada perasaan sayang.. tapi kerana aku takut lagi di sakiti.. tapi mungkin cara ku salah.. and i expect him to understand.. i did open my heart for him dari dulu lagi.. now.. i still have the feeling to be betray atu.. since perkara kana dua kan ani is still my nightmare..i m tired actually.. i hope he understand me..

I am 30..

Assalammualaikum.. i'm 30 years old.. yeah.. i really am.. kadang-kadang terfikir untuk mengimbau kembali zaman-zaman remaja.. bukan semua nya di balut dengan kesedihan dalam kehidupan sepanjang perjalanan menuju ke usia ku sekarang.. tapi cukuplah.. untuk menoleh sekali sekala bagi melupakan kesedihan dan pengalaman hidup yang ingin ku lupakan.. tapi dalam sestengah perkara, untuk belajar erti kesilapan.. masa kesedihan ku masih berjalan sehingga ke hari ini.. walaupun cematu... masih ada beberapa perkara yang wajib ku banggakan dalam ku menempuh hidup ani.. kesakitan, calar dalam hati dan kehidupan.. memang selalu ingin ku lupakan.. kecurangan.. keterlaluan dalam perhubungan.. pemergian insan-insan yang meninggalkan bekas dalam sejarah hidupku.. semuanya nda ku mau melalui lagi di masa depan.. tapi takdir Allah segalanya.. aku hanya mampu berdoa semoga Allah sentiasa memberi ihsan nya didalam setiap langkah perjalanan ku.. once, i've been in the situation of depression in life.. and i really dont want to be there again.. to see my self crying.. to see my self regretting for being someone to be used in this life.. i think i m done with all of it.. apa yg ku harapkan masani, biarlah insan yang selama ani memberi ku harapan, insan yang selama ani memberikan ku nafas baru untuk terus bertahan akan selamanya ada di sisi.. and i m not expecting to be hurt lagi in the future.. cukuplah apa yg ku rasakan selama ani.. cinta atu satu harapan.. for me biarlah bercinta ani hingga ke akad halal.. dan biarlah hingga ke syurga.. but sometimes, what i m hoping is not the same with what other thinks.. i m tired of crying.. i m tired to see myself in depression.. kalau boleh.. i dun want to be in that situation lagi.. disakiti.. di curangi.. di khianati.. di duakan.. its not easy.. sakitnya bukan sehari boleh di baiki.. bukan seperti di gigit nyamuk.. it takes a long time.. walau sudah baik.. bisa dan jua parut nya masih ada.. jika benar cinta nya untuk ku.. berhenti lah menyakiti ku.. berhenti lah menyakiti perhubungan ani.. sakit...

Mencari bahagia bersama nya..

As'salammualaikum.. its been quite a while since my last post.. veryyyyy long time.. semalam baru ingat i had a blog that I've been forgotten all these while.. membaca balik all my previous post makes me smile.. Alhamdulillah Ya Allah.. all that burden in my life before, beransur pergi.. and new chapter begins.. i'll just make a short summary.. i met him on the early of November 2009 at tasek lama.. i didnt meet him.. i just saw him dari jauh.. and i was quite surprise coz he recognise me... but dalam hati masatu, " yes that's him.. my soulmate since then" we met exactly on 7th november 2009.. i love everything bout him.. 14th november~ the day i declare and made up my mind that i m his.. and i then struggle to be with him since then.. since then, he is always with me.. beside me.. up and down.. i always feel the guilt.. and i wish.. he will hold my hand forever.. till the end.. just like we promise to each other.. dulu, this blog is like a diary in my life.. i'll write everything i feel.. i experience.. my bad day, my happy day and everything.. i really hope i can do it lagi.. insyaallah will be active lagi blogging after this.. thanks Allah.. for giving him in my life.. and i hope it will till the end..

2010 with all new changes and big difference..

assalammualaikum all..
how am i gonna start my story for the year 2010?
well.. my early year of 2010 was begun with a sad and shock news..infact all of our family was still in the stages of accepting that my grandma is not around us anymore.. al-fatihah for her...
there are lots of things to be remember bout her.. the sweetest and sad things.. she was passed away at the age of 67th.. she leave us at afternoon on the 3rd january..

anyway.. dear all friend, i have moved to new place of work..alhamdulillah.. now i m working under ministry of finance and i m happy with him.. alhamdullilah.. it is the most happy things happen in my life.. i just hope after this my life is getting better than before.. anyway.. i m struggling all this time.. and hope he will always beside me.. i never regret to be with him.. even i know apa yg ku buat ani salah.. but.. he is the one saja yang faham and sayang kan aku.. is it too much to ask.. i dunno.. i just want him.. hopefully.. soon.. i'll be free..
what else? i dunno what to share... it seems that lately i m shortage of story to be shared... anyway.. next time will share something u all.. byeeee

alhamdulillah.. but.. still... i have to struggle...

assalammualaikum dear friend..
alhamdulillah...setelah lama struggling and crying and berusaha dan betawakkal..akhirnya i can smile for my self..
alhamdulliah..terima kasih Allah..
after this i just hope my life is getting better and good..
amin.. yippyy.. its his birthday coming soon :) 7 February... finally.. this yearr i can celebrate it with him insyaallah.. thanks Allah for giving him to me.. but still.. i really wish we can be together.. and all things be solved.. and wish.. i can tell him everything about me... but.. i feel afraid.. will he accept me if tau everything? will he love me lagi? will he... arghhhh.. i m so afraid of losing him.. i dont want to be left by him.. i need him... but.. lambat laun.. i have to tell him.. coz.. i m so suffer to keep it inside me.. i m sorry love...

hari raya~

hai assalammualaikum guys!!
today is 19th of september 2009..
hm.. hari ani hari melihat anak bulan syawal..
if nampak anak bulan, esuk hari raya, if not on monday tah tu..
by the way, persiapan untuk hari raya, ada lah jua sikit.. tapi most of all, alum pulang ready banar..
bersederhana saja lah tahun ani macam previous year...
alhamdulillah walaupun aku terasa sunyi without anyone faham kan perasaan ku, but he always with me.. walaupun belum pernah jumpa, but i always feel he is with me.. i dunno how to tell him everything.. i dunno how to confront him.. i dunno how to be with him.. i just need him.. is he still having the same feeling mcm dulu after all these year? i feel we have that chemistry.. i feel loved.. i feel excited.. i feel alive whenever hearing his voice on the phone.. will he love me like this forever??.. i hope he will take care of me one day.. i hope we will get old together.. anyway.. bagi keluarga dan kawan-kawan yang berada di perantauan, di ucapkan selamat menyambut hari raya.. all of u are with us always.. walaupun jauh di mata, tapi dekat di hati.. eheee..

apa lagi aa.. maybe nanti lagi update lah.. jarang- jarang sudah update blog ani.. bukan nya boring or what, tetapi nada banyak masa.. and also, i've learn to use the facebook.. quite fun jua lah eheee.. and most of all.. selamat hari raya to "him" maaf zahir dan batin.. i hope we are having this hari raya together nanti..
ok lah guys once again, selamat hari raya aidilfitri, maaf zahir dan batin..
assalammualaikum... till my next post byeeeeee